The Chase Scene - Attempt 2

This time, I'm serious!

My last attempt at the chase scene focused more on creating a humorous story than following the constraints set out by the Story Grid Writer’s Mentorship Program™. It was 500 words, it was in second person, present tense. But I didn’t adhere to the showing only principle and the stakes weren’t quite life or death. So, I gave it another go. Here is how that went.

Assignment 1: The Chase Scene (Round 1)

Scene Type: Action
Word Count: 500
Mentor Dials:

• POV: 2nd Person

• Tense: Present

• Dialogue: None

• Setting: Changing Physical Domain

Focus:

• Physical-only storytelling using the five senses

• Enforcing strict "showing only" (no thoughts, no emotions)

• Testing ability to structure a scene with clear Five Commandments

At the bottom of this scene are the ten editor protocol questions we apply to scenes to validate or plan our scenes to determine whether they work or not.

And I also had Suno turn it into an audio drama. That was fun.

Fun with Tentacles

Sump-sump-sump-sump.

Water sinks below the grate.
The light turns green.
Thunk-hiss-whir.
The airlock door rolls open.
You step through.

Bluish bars of light flicker overhead. Chairs and tables lay tossed about.

A red smear scars the white wall ahead.
Half a body lies where the bloody arc ends—legs curled into a dim corridor.

You pull out your sidearm.
Flick the safety.
The barrel whines: yellow.
One. Two. Three.
Stops: green.

You enter the corridor.

Shoof. Behind you.
Spin. Aim.

Nothing.

Turn again.

Shoof.

Back around. Slowly, you approach the hatch.
Step. Step. Bump.
Your muzzle hits something firm.
The room dissolves into a mottle of red and black.
A giant eye opens.

Clatter! From behind.
Backpedal to the wall.
A vent cover on the deck.

A tentacle whips down.
It coils and probes.
You leap to the side and run.

Shoooooof!
Behind you, the octopus squeezes through.
Its beak snaps a meter away.

You duck left through an open hatch.
Your helmet casts a halo across the dark.
Tipped tables. Shattered glass. Chunks of bodies in pools of blood.

Tentacles probe the hatch. One knocks a table aside; pulls a bloody chunk into the snapping beak.

You edge along the wall to the farside hatch.
Tap the panel. Whir-thunk. It rolls.

Tentacles shiver. Lurch in.

You bolt down the corridor.

A tentacle slaps the grate ahead.
You jump; catch your boot.

Stumble. Roll. Stand. Fire.
Plink! A spark.

It's gone.

The vent above: open, its cover on the deck.

Whine: yellow.
Silence: green.

You backpedal, aiming at the vents.
Tap the hatch at the far end. It rolls open.

Inside, you sweep your light: a window on the opposite wall; a submersible glows through it: docked on the airlock beyond the hatch to the left.

A man stares from the floor beside it.
Missing a leg.
You step up. He shakes his head.
You tap the panel.
The hatch rolls.

A tentacle flings you against the window. Crack!
You shake your head.
The one-legged man screams.
A tentacle lifts him.
Snap!
Silence.

The beak pushes into the room.

You bolt for the other hatch, but tentacles swarm over it.
The mottled mass follows them.
You backpedal into the corner.

The beak snaps. Snaps. SNAPS!
Closer. Toothy tongue rasping.
A massive eye rises above.

You aim. Shoot. Thwup!
The eye blinks. The bullet tinks onto the deck.

Whine: yellow.
Stops: green.

The black eye reflects dimly in the glass.

A tentacle whips overhead.
You duck and shoot again.

A spear of water pierces the eye.

The octopus flails. Mantle torn, beak splintered.

Yellow. Green.

You dive into the gash as spiderwebs bloom in the glass.

Slick darkness.
Tugging. Reaching.
You fire again.
Clamber toward the light.
Grab, rip, shimmy.
Fall to the deck.

Tentacles writhe through behind you.

CRASH!

The window gives.
Water slams into you.

You scramble to the airlock.
Pull the latch. Squeeze inside.
Water floods in. Tentacles whip.
Whir-hiss-thunk. The door closes.

Sump-sump-sump-sump.
The light turns red.

Editor's Protocol

Who is the Antagonist? Giant Octopus

Who is the Protagonist? You

What does the Antagonist want? To eat you

What does the Protagonist want? To not be eaten

What is the Inciting Incident? After entering the lab, you see a giant eye and a tentacle reaches for you.

What is the Turning Point? You're trapped in a dead end module and the squid's beak is snapping through the hatch.

What is the Crisis? Do you shoot the window and risk catastrophic compression or jump into the octopus's mouth and blast your way out, risking slow digestion.

What is the Climax? You shoot a hole in the window creating a spear of water that cuts through the octopus. You leap into the gash and blow your way through the back of it's mantle.

What is the Resolution? The octopus is cut up by the water stream and can't follow.

Who won the scene? You